World's Largest Insect

Hello little ones. I hope you are eating well and keeping a cautious eye on the skies.

Another year, and another chapter in my quest to cultivate ceaseless and ill-advised optimism. Another chapter in the saga, wherein I attempt in earnest to catch the divine ember in my hand and hold it there, and stoke it. To breathe in the smoke and see what shapes are there, and what direction that geometry points.

I have not seen the sun in over a week. The weather has been inhospitable lately in every conceivable way. This time of year, the veil is so very thin – you could poke through it with your finger if you wanted to. But of course, you don’t want to. Madness encroaching regardless. I’ve been cycling in and out of the fold, and I know many others have been doing the same. Every January I ponder the question of why humans so fervently deny our animal nature. The urge to hibernate is so strong that it almost hurts. The urge to build a safe and warm place, well-defended, sitting among a cache of resources and full-fats and root vegetables, all the sundries to get us through the harshness, and just sleep. I could sleep for months, I think. I would sleep through the winter if it were allowed, but no – too much to be done. The world moves too fast because the brakes are off and the wheel is moving out of check. We are denying our collective instincts only to subvert them, and I think this is the main source of the low-level agony we are all experiencing (whether you choose to deny the sensation is none of my business).

All the darkness has gifted me with some interesting dreams, at the very least. Free transport to some very strange realms. Interior spaces, shifting and writhing as if alive.

I dreamt a few days ago that I was in a sprawling compound, a museum in the beginning that evolved into all manner of things by the end: a convenience store, an apartment complex, a parking garage, an office building. The list continues. The space was populated with characters, bustling, ignoring me. Much of the plot of the dream revolved around a desire to find hidden things in these spaces, as though doing so would provide me with a route to escape. The place was so large that I did not feel confined, and yet in the back of my mind I knew I was trapped. I found my way into a large open gallery space at one point, and there in the open area there were what I perceived to be some uncanny humanoids, not quite people but not entirely divorced from their origins, as if cloned or controlled. These individuals were all female, all wrapped in the same gray cloth and possessive of vestigial wings. They wore headdresses and as a result I was never able to see their eyes, only their slyly smiling mouths peeking out from beneath. More creatures of this sort prowled around as well – hunchbacked, half-mechanical women all moving in a herd. I sensed imminent danger there. 

Later in the dream, I found my way into a small shop, much like a store in a mall, though the interior was half-destroyed and wildly disorganized. From there, I and a few strangers that I picked up along the way as traveling companions, were made to exit into a kind of courtyard space after being accused of stealing, only to find that thousands of others had done the same. Everyone there in that walled garden danced in huge clusters, all wearing the same sort of ceremonial garb. Their clothing resembled that of medieval minstrels, very colorful – green, purple, and yellow – adorned with frills and other bangles. As we moved through the crowd, I couldn’t help but be alarmed by the palpable fear in the air. Everyone was nervous for a reason I could not identify, which of course made me nervous as well. One notable occurrence in this section of the dream that didn’t really feel coherent was the addition of a police officer in the crowd who was wearing a most extraordinary hat. Sketch below.

Like that. When I asked him about it, the officer seemed embarrassed, even bashful.

In the end, I managed to open up a hidden panel in the wall which revealed that the entire dreamspace was being operated by a group of technicians working behind a desk. They recognized me when I came in and invited me to sit at the head of the room. The implications of doing so were unclear, but I did recognize a clear exit to the outside – a window, beyond which a golden sunset was taking place. I woke up before I could decide between the two.

This and other dreams like it have inspired me to perhaps post dream diaries here, if only for my own benefit. In any case, it seems as though the lack of physical exercise and sunlight leads the mind to strange places, surprising no one. I just count myself lucky that these mental spaces are so rich, so colorful and diverse. Many people do not dream at all – a nightmare I could not fathom.

2023 Year In Review

In any case, this past year has been a mixed bag, and reviewing it as anything but that is a bit difficult for me. Time seems to have slipped through my fingers, but it seems as though the confusion and malaise I have been feeling is pervasive, and most people are feeling something like it at the moment. That doesn’t so much help the situation, but there is solace in not suffering alone, I suppose. 

That said, the last year and change has been my most explosive period of artistic growth ever. I have been published in several online publications, continued to work on expanding my art fairly consistently, and have started to establish myself online as a creator. Whether any of this amounts to anything remains to be seen, but it feels good in the moment to create and be seen by at least someone. Since graduating college, it has been difficult to find the motivation to make things outside of the academic world, but I believe I am finally ready to do so.

Perhaps I should have more to say about the previous year, but coming into the next feels akin to pretending that the car is moving when in reality it has been stationary the entire time. We are in the same place as before. The passage of time has been less of a flow and more of a slowly melting candle. 2020 is still happening, whether we like it or not, over the top of everything – overlaid and haunting. It will likely be this way for a while and there is no use in denying it. However, there is equally little use in despair, and so I merely acknowledge the fact of my inability to move out of the funk imposed by the strangeness of the past few years, hopeful that soon I will break out of it like a tiny little soft baby chicken from the crisp, white shell of its egg.

Many exciting things are coming in the future (maybe). Either that, or I will crumble to dust.

The Future

Moving on to lighter things, January is nearly over and I haven’t updated this site in a couple months. The millions who log on here every day, holding their breath and refreshing the page praying for an update can finally exhale. That is to say, I’m back, and I hope to start posting semi-regularly with new projects, poetry, and writings.

What have I been up to, I hear you asking aloud to the screen? Aside from holding my knees to my chest and waiting for this cursed season to be over, a few things. 

1. A new short game is in the works, hopefully to be completed in the next couple months. This is a side project unrelated to WE HATE YOU, and will focus on a character I created in a fit of manic rage. The character is called Peagy – more on him in a later post. In the game, you will visit Peagy at his place of business. What happens next is entirely up to you!
2. More art is incoming. Aside from Peagy, I have been dabbling in colored pencil work and hope to have a few fun things to put up here in the future.
3. Two new poem publications, one from the Karma Comes Before zine and the other from Sixpence Literary. Both should be out in the next few months, although exact dates are tbd.
4. Other surprises. If I keep it vague, it won’t feel like a broken promise when it doesn’t happen!

Keep your eyes peeled over on Twitter – O that accursed realm – for doodles and maybe even some comics. I also plan to continue work on my chapbook, though recent feedback has caused me to realize I may have more to do on that front than I previously believed. All good, all in the name of growing as a writer.

Remember also that if you want to support any of these endeavors, my Ko-Fi is live at the donate link. You will receive nothing but gratification in return. Perhaps some day in the future, when I am perched high upon my golden palace walls and you are toiling in the mud mines, I will extend a kind and gracious arm to you and hoist you out of the filth. But only if you donate!